Thursday, November 24, 2011

eyes wide shut.

fuck this artificial light... I feel like I'm in an incubator waiting to hatch into a better reality. It's just blaring down on me, my eyes get blurry as if I'm supposed to be nocturnal or something. Pitiful. I guess I spend too much of my "spare time" with my eyes closed trying to live in a dream where I can make shit happen... because I sure can't make it happen in real life.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I wanna dive.

So recently I've built up and incredible urge to go diving. Yeah I know, middle of autumn, the Great Plains... how and why would I have built up the urge to dive and if I could where would I even go to dive? Well anybody who knows me should know that I love almost all things aquatic. I saw a flyer at school for discount scuba lessons and discovered DiVentures. Now I don't have the money nor time right now but I'm at least aware of it. I AM TOTALLY GONNA TRY IT. Ultimately I want to go diving in Austria's Green Lake which is dry land for half of the year and underwater for the other have. I'm kind of excited in advance now.

Monday, October 24, 2011


So I recently discovered a website that is just screams me and every since last week I have been hooked to it. I only wished I had learned of it sooner! The website is called and it's a place where you can keep track of the books you have read, get recommended different books based on the ones you have read and also read reviews, answer trivia, meet friends with your same interest in books and win free books. I'm not so sure how I stumbled upon this website but I think I was just browsing pictures of books and BAM, there it was. Everyone who knows me should know how much I love books, I mean... in my book, books come before boys and clothes (did I really say that? *looks over shoulder*) and that's saying something.  I just wish I had unlimited access to all the books I've just so recently discovered, the libraries all over this town suck ape balls! So anyway, my new addictive website... add me if you have one.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Operating without my consent

I wish I knew what's wrong, instead I say "I'm fine."
I say too much I don't mean; I'm laughing all the time.
Nobody sees the difference; I know I'm not the same.
I guess it's just a reflex: defenses for the pain.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Life as of 10.2.11

It is now the second day of October and my mind is running rampant with complete chaos. I cannot focus on one thing at a time, I'm a natural multitasker but still I'm hopping to the next thought before I even finish the first one.  I have to keep making lists to keep my mind straight, but then I just end up with a list of lists. Things get even more complex by the minute. I must update more.
   I've been having a down week I think. My mood has been off (and no its not some freaky PMS shit. Don't even.) Last weekend my bestest friend (don't judge me) came to visit, of course it was for a funeral but that's besides the point. The little time we did have together was cool. Dukes called him for a wake but it's understandable. I had a life for once that weekend. This weekend though... horrendous. I almost began to hate driving. People here don't know what turning signals are, I swear they give anybody a license in this town because when I got mine I was overly prepared. Driving on these roads made me never want to drive again! I'm glad my insurance company didn't see those roads because they would be trying to up my price as a liability. NO sir.
   My good friend Talisha had a house warming party that I didn't get to make it to but I still got in touch with her and told her I would have to visit her soon. She's doing great for herself, in my opinion. Good job, nice home (from what I heard) and she's in school now. That sounds like success to me. I only got one out of the three and I know I'm "still young" but I just want to be prepared so that I can live my life while I'm still young and not worry worry worry and then live when I'm too old to be doing some things... like streaking or partying with college kids at spring break when I'm old enough to be one of their mothers haha. I just wanna be ready to live when life presents those opportunities.

Monday, September 26, 2011


I wanna join a cause and raise awareness maybe for AiDS or deafness or keeping art in schools or something for Africa. I don't yet. I feel like I need something to support and stand for when I'm being major selfless.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Positive Reinforcement

Guys want to say that I'm just acting a fool or I'm jealous or something like insecure.  It's true that everything is not always it seems but can you see it from my side for once?  I met you and that was it. I liked your personality, you got along well with other people, you had good looks you just had it and that was cool. Why wouldn't I get a crush on you and then try to do something about it? When I did do something, we became an item. Now, before we got together I knew your were a people person (or flirt whichever applies) so it wasn't quite a surprise but maybe I just needed some reinforcement because I was the girlfriend now, not just a friend any longer. You know a lot of people (saying "practically everybody" would be slightly exaggerated) and when those people are girls it's like a threat, a minor threat JUST because they don't know me.  I don't think of anything outrageous like you cheating or something but it's kind of like an uncomfortable feeling (just in the beginning of a relationship) seeing other girls approach you and not knowing if I have to compete with them or not. Like not knowing if I can keep your interest or maybe you get bored fast. Maybe you like risks and I'm too safe for you. Maybe... she sees you like I saw you before we were together, I liked you, I did something about it, now we're together maybe she likes you and she thinks she can do something about that. I don't assume anything is going on but that still kind of plays in the back of my mind. It's the things that you don't know that trouble you so frequently...

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Women Problems

Just a heads up to any guy who may come across this I don't want  to hear your "females do the same thing" spill. Females are not any issue to me because I'm not interested in them. So guys seem as if they love to talk down to women. It's been done to me by ALL kinds of guys plenty of times, I'm talking family, teachers, friends, boyfriends, bosses... seriously.  It pisses me off, because I really feel like there's nothing I can do. They talk down, don't see anything wrong EVEN WHEN YOU POINT IT OUT and then it just makes you feel even madder when you try to explain your reasons for being offended. It's like arguing with an idiot, you get mad because you look like the person in the wrong, when it's supposed to be vice versa.
   Things are never easy for women. I once got into an argument and the guy told me that women's rights has come very far and that women can do almost anything a man can do. I guess he thought that was his justification. In my head I was just repeating "Let it go, he doesn't understand, he's just a man." I was trying to calm myself down (after a couple of arguments with someone you get a feel for how any other arguments will go) I wanted to just like delete the situation. How can you share your mind with someone if they're not willing to listen?
   If your boobs aren't bursting out of your bra or your cheeks aren't hanging out your shorts then guys don't see you and we already know they're not listening to you. It... annoys the hell out of me when a guy always pays attention to girls like that, but then they say they aren't looking for that type of girl to marry. Seriously? Make up your minds! I think it'd be better if you acted like the man a typical woman like the one you mentally fabricated would go for instead of thinking you're just this fuck up that women want to "fix." Not all women want to "fix" a man, some want, basically what any practical person wants in a relationship, someone worth building with. Try to find people with the same mindset at you at least for the time being if you want to have fun, find someone like that, if you want to be serious look for people like that and if your mindset changes and theirs doesn't then it's just fight or flight. Please keep that in mind...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Troubleshooting: How to Unfollow

Ok now I swear this was a fucking headache in a can but I finally found a way to get rid of all these dormant blogs I was following. I thought it would be easy, there was a button beneath the reading list that said "Manage" took me to a page where I thought I could easy unfollow/unsubscribe to these blogs. WRONG. I clicked "stop following this blog" and nothing happened. Ummm ok something's not doing it's job right. So of course I googled "I can't unfollow a blog on blogger!" and some forums popped. I would say the only thing helpful about the forums were that I got a chance to see that  I wasn't dumb as a doorknob because other people where having the same problem as me exactly. Every detail. So I had to figure out a way myself. I had to log in log out. Nothing was working. I was getting irritated. THEN I figured out how to unfollow/unsubscribe and I had to write this down so I wouldn't forget it in the near future. I went to manage blogs I'm following (that's a given) and then I clicked "Settings" next to the blog I wanted to unfollow/unsubscribe. After that (since I had unfollowed it plenty of times before but it didn't work) I followed the blog. After I followed the blog I clicked "Settings" again and this time I went to "Stop following this blog" (that's a given) and this time it worked. I only had to follow the blog (or one of the blogs you were trying to unfollow if it was more than one) once then I could unfollow the other ones the usual way. Maybe I can makes some easier steps. Hope this helps anyone else who comes across it.
Step by Step: (after you're on the "Blogs I'm Following" screen)

  1. Click "Settings" next to the blog you want to unfollow.
  2. When the window pops up, follow the blog.
  3. Repeat step 1, this time click "Stop following this blog"
  4. Now the blog should be unfollowed and off of you reading list. If they is more than one blog you want to unfollow, repeat step 3 with those.
Woo, now I have to remember this haha.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Bad Boys.

I don't think I really like thug type dudes. They worry me too much and they're not versatile. They wear the same thing everyday, no variance. Shifty eyes. Think love solves every argument, you never know if you're spending your last moment with him alive/not behind bars and you're never sure if you're safe with them. I'm sure women love bad boys... but I don't think I'm in that percentage. Much too much for me to worry about I like things more secure. I'm sure guys aren't perfect but I at least need that decency. I don't want to call him mine if I don't know much about his dealings. Things happen fast and nobody knows why, I don't want to be in that zone worrying, trying to be optimistic without knowing already that things are not looking good.

Friday, May 27, 2011

There are no handouts in the free world and certainly none in my house.

It's a sad day yo... Bulls and fucking Thunder lost the same fucking way in the finals. Done with basketball season.  Hmph! On top of that I feel like... I don't know it's that kind of feeling where you feel low and you don't know why, yeah. Plus my Brown Sugar DVD doesn't work anymore BUMMED! Now I'm sitting here cleaning my room to keep my idle hands busy and watching Higher Learning instead. I'll live though oh well. I get over things quick by putting them out of my mind.
My brother graduated yesterday. I don't really have any pictures but this one... Not that it matters too much. HE MADE IT. That's the most important part.
Here's a picture of me from before graduation (I realized I really haven't posted a picture of myself)
After that I went to the movies with one of my bestfriends for that midnight showing of Hangover Part 2. That was fun, the movie was nice. His little brother graduated to so congrats to all the 2011 graduates. Tonight is just cleaning and watching movies even though it's like 230 in the morning. Organizing my mini library and I realize... I need more books. That is all, feed my addiction!!! Goodnight.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Back to Strangers.

Contemplating how to tell my exes that I don’t feel for them like I used to. Usually a guy dumps me and I never really stop feeling some kinda way for him but now I just don’t feel anything. It’s like 2 or 3 exes who always think they have this power over me because we have history. Umm no. I do not feel that way anymore. You do not get boyfriend privileges obviously because you are not a boyfriend. You will not be a boyfriend again because 1. I don’t backtrack, once an ex always an ex. 2. The feelings are gone. I may laugh at your jokes or hang out with you because I’m bored or help you just because you need help. There is no emotions attached to it, I don’t laugh because you made me blush I do that so you can stfu, I don’t hang out with you because I want to see you and I don’t help you out because I care, I help you because you ask and sometimes it’s the right thing to do. Please don’t get it twisted. I get real mad when you assume things about me and they are not true. It makes me realize how much you don’t even know me at all… 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Mayer Hawthorne - Impressions! was released today! :D

No other reason for posting this. I just love Mayer Hawthorne and he just released a new EP covering all these songs I'm already familiar with and love. So I thought I just had to put this on my blog and no comments really because it would be totally biased because Mayer Hawthorne is a favorite of mine regardless.
(I should probably included the tracks...)
  1. Work to Do - The Isley Brothers
  2. Don't Turn the Lights On - Chromeo
  3. You've Got the Makings of a Lover - The Festivals
  4. Fantasy Girl - Steve Salazar
  5. Little Person - Jon Brion
  6. Mr. Blue Sky - ELO
All covered by Mayer and also The County.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Tornadic... yeah I think I just made up that word.

Just realized today I was so chill and naturally cute even though the tornadic winds raped my hair. Felt lovely. I just had on a t shirt and some jeans and old chucks. My hair... ponytail and bang, simple. Just hung out with my boys Oscar, Blake, Brad and Alex. SMH Poor Parris LOL. Came home and it ruined my high on life... so now I feel extra tired and nobody's taking me to see Fast Five. Fucking cocksuckers. So back to my NO LIFE... sleeping right after I fill out these job apps. Not miserable (at least not more than usual) my high is just blown.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Can Tell When A Guy Likes Me...

and it’s annoying as fuck seeing that I just want to chill and have no ties, nothing to weigh me down, nobody to check in with and all the positive shit about being single. But guys try to cuff? They claim you all the time and my [insert pet name guy gave you] I’m just like dude… calm the fuck down. Also every conversation that is held between you and him he wants to ask you “When are you gonna be my boo/baby/girlfriend?” I’m just like dude… chill. When I wanted a boyfriend you were nowhere to be found now that I’m good you’re all on my bumper. I understand that I asked for honesty and that includes voicing your thoughts if you like me but just because you do that doesn’t mean that I will instantly become your girlfriend. When guys like me it’s annoying as fuck, they never give me space, always asking awkward questions, always being nosy, and always claiming me or trying to force me to do things. Can you fools go harass some simple minded chick because Dodi don’t play that. Annoy fucks!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Song of the Day: 2

Beautiful (remix) - Black Star & Mary J. Blige

They say that beauty's in the eye of the beholder

so I use my third and now our love is solid like a boulder
wanna build with you as I get older
and that's my word! Sure as I stand on my ancestors' shoulders.
You see through my drama and my world like a stage
Not the same years but living in the same age
It's the quality not the quantity
Follow me? Definitely! Far from probably... Got to be!
You and me beautifully fit like pieces of a man I used to be
Now I'm back! 'cause of what you do to me.
You like my reflection; better half to my whole
Like lyrics to the beat you the mate for my soul
The breath for my life, my sister and my lover
Used to have cold feet now you the warmth under my covers
I can't ignore your aura 'cause it grabbed me by the hand
Like the moon pulled the tide and the tide pulled the sand

   It just amazes me how lovely this verse is to a relationship. If Kweli told me this there would be no doubt in my mind of whether he loves me or not. In my mind, I consider this like hip hop vows. Every time I hear this verse (it's part of one of my favorite songs so I hear it a lot) it just makes me smile because it's like this verse is for THE ONE, that is meant for one over all others. That one that you would give your all to and expect nothing in return.
   I may be getting a little too in depth but it's a verse I really love. "The breath for my life, my sister and my lover" It just goes beyond the new general standard idea of a relationship (even though this isn't a new song). The relationship is more than just intimate it's like he's completed. Like wherever he's lacking she's picking up the slack and she's more than a girl she's his friend, his sister, his life. It's more that just love... it's like his entire being is satisfied to share whatever he has with her, she's welcomed in every aspect of his life.
   I truly love every verse in this song every line all the ad libs but Kweli's first verse stood out to me the most. Maybe because I felt like the words applied/applies to me in more than one way. Not sure but this just makes me smile anyway. Mos Def, Talib Kweli and Mary J. Blige did a wonderful job with "Beautiful." That verse though... that's like Verbal Art. I would hang in the the gallery of my collective thoughts and admire like a memory.

"Sometimes you meet somebody who's just completely..." - Beautiful, Mos Def

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tyga: Black Thoughts 2

Firstly, I love Tyga like his style, voice and delivery. Secondly, his mixtape Black Thoughts 2 presented by DJ Ill Will and DJ Rockstar was just released yesterday. I listened to it all night, slept on in and it was nice. (Being a fan I would say it was bomb! But I digress.) Usually when I listen to artist's mixtapes or albums I decide out of the tracks featured, would the "nice!" outweigh the "ehh ok" and it definitely did. My favorite songs are probably a tie between Reminded ft. Adele (because I love Adele.) and First Time ft. Pharrell (because there is no wrong that man can do. <3) But Pharrell wins. So you can click the cover or the link to listen and download for free.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Nobody Can Hurt You Like Your Friends...

You want to know my feelings? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how I look from the outside looking in but on the inside I'm troubled with things just like everybody else. Why do I feel like no one understands me? Out of all the basic problems in my life and out of all the people in this world... no one understands me? Only like one person gets it. That should be enough but I've gotten into the mind state that no one does so I don't want to harass him with my sad tales and pessimistic thoughts. That's just one battle in my mind, Tell the only person who gets me what's troubling me when it's troubling me or keep it to myself because he's only human and his life doesn't revolve around me and my problems? I would end up keeping it to myself :( Another thing, my friends put my down intentionally and unintentionally. I confront them on the unintentional ones but on the intentional ones what do I say? They know what they're doing then... it's just fucking disgusting because I never go that far for them. They get mad at me for being mad or upset then I just become sad because my "friends" become just people when they turn on me when they don't get what they want. So I guess if they get mad it means that they care right? But still you don't fight fire with fire. I'm not wrong for showing emotions and neither are they but I still think they're wrong for dealing with the situation by adding more negativity to an already negative bottle. This is why I hate everyone, they don't even try to make things better then just make them worse and they generalize every situation like every person is the same. Everyone knows that is not true and your friends should know specifically but I guess not. :( My feelings are really hurt today and this time it's not just the situation hitting something deeper, this time it's actually my fucking expectations that I have for the people I call my friends. Fuck you very much.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I love Pac Div.

So a video from Mania! If you know me you know I love Pac Div. Anti-Freeze.

video from DaleWillet.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I feel like the smallest things make me cry...

Then again I look at all the things that make me cry and why they make me cry then I realize these random things are things that hurt me and only me deeply. Anybody else on the outside looking would think it small or sporadic tears but if you really know me you'd know it's rare to actually see tears coming from my eyes, when sometimes bothering me I address it before getting emotional and lastly most things are deeper than they appear with me. It's not that I cry when things don't go my way, I just tear up when things hurt, emotionally, and there's nothing I can do to change or fix that issue. I'm not a control freak and I'm not a pushover. When something's bothering me I speak up, and I say how I feel and what they need to stop doing or what they will NOT be doing around me. You know what they do? They don't listen nor give a fuck, after that I'm ready to fight. I'm not just gonna turn the other cheek. They do disrespectful shit yet they want me to respect them? No... but I also can't knock them out of existence and it's that conflict within that hurts then makes me tears up. Things are unfair.

Jupiter & Butterflies

I got a secret! Today I got a new puppy... I named him Jupiter. My mom doesn't want him so I have to keep him in my room. He's very quiet and calm and small. I think he's a Dachshund. My mother likes to ruin everything if she's not happy, like she's a queen of all things or something. Newsflash Queens look out for the well being of their people... not act like a diva. ANYWAYS... here's some pictures of Jupiter.

Ok so I am so elated today. I have a puppy. I switched my major. I got rid of this stressful classes. And the Young God wrote me a song to the beat that I've been listening to for days. It's so dope, I had to blush but well done sir. He knows me too well. That's a lovely thing. I'd been harassing him for the longest about a song and now he's made one! I was ecstatic... Thank God things lined up in my life today. Today I not only feel content, I feel happy. HAHA but I also feel anxious because I don't want to crush Jupiter nor step in his dog poop nor have him fall off the bed! He's sleeping like a baby, I'm about to sleep too. :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Fuck All That Shit.

I decided today... that I really am not gonna give a shit. It takes way too much time and energy to give a shit and I just don't want to use that time anymore, seeing that nothing is coming from it. I can't even live. That's not what's up. I am definitely not anywhere close to where I want to be in life and it seems like no progress is coming from me giving a shit so... END THAT. Starting a new. I gotta get more passionate about something and let more things go instead on working on them to get better. They really aren't worth it. A main thing that I have to start doing is saying NO and not thinking about how it makes the other person feel or how anyone else is going to look at me. That's a thing that always softens your decision, that thought of what everybody else is going to think... but fuck them. 3 F's all day and maybe not even all those F's apply. I don't know... but I don't care.

Friday, March 18, 2011

When Someone you love is with someone else... Part 2

I understand that you are with someone else. Yeah I want you to be happy but FUCK THAT! They aren’t me! How the fuck you gonna ruin what we had by bringing somebody else into the picture. I feel like you cheated on me and we weren’t even together! I’m really happy for you though but man all that aside I’m pissed! I’m sitting back thinking how could you it’s like I put in all the work and I got nothing for it. I mean… who was there with you through whatever? We laughed together, we cried together, I’m pretty sure you shared with me more than you shared with any other individual as a whole and now what? This is it? Am I just supposed to sit here and be happy because you’re with someone? You’re happy that doesn’t make me happy instantaneously… I still feel salty about that. I felt comfortable with you, you’re my “Ace in the hole” whenever I felt like everybody was the same… you prove they were different. Then you’re just gone like that. Did I just lose my bestfriend? Now what do I do, I can’t be happy over something like that. You do your thing. You must not understand how much I love you if you can’t see the reason behind my madness. You know how that felt, you know how I feel everyday… knowing that you are happy with someone and I’m alone without even you to talk to like I used to. I’m jealous. I’m torn apart. I feel betrayed. I’ll live though. And yeah… I want you to be happy but I’m not happy. Just let it be, you disappoint me but I guess it be like that sometimes. Enjoy.

Tears have to dry on their own

So life is getting more hectic faster than I can adapt to it and I just wanna yell and scream. Been a tough fucking semester and now spring break is coming up. I have no life, no friends, no phone, no job... this does not spell fun nor contentment. It kind of spells out depression. I keep praying for a break. Please let me catch a break doing something... this shit be really fucked up and I don't know what to do. I'm dying inside and I don't know how to fucking fix it. Within myself I feel like everything is so fragile but on the outside looking in I'm an impenetrable fortress... nothing will get in and what's in will never get out.
You know that cliche phrase "No one understands." I feel like that fits me so much right now. I try to help them understand, they say they get it and I listen to them... but in the end, they don't know what they fuck they're talking about. They tell me shit I already know and  I'm like "Yeah I know that but how do I fix it?" They don't know how to fix it... they just seem to know how to identify it. I don't need that I need a SOLUTION! People think they are fucking psychotherapists or some shit like that... No. How can you tell me about myself and you don't even know me. The closest person who understands what I'm going through is seems to be getting tired of hearing it, that's just how I feel but that's cool but that just makes me more closed off to everyone. The one person who tried to understand but was always there helping me through it is now deceased so does that mean I'm battling this alone again?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

When some you love is with someone else...

Yeah that hurts the soul… DEEPLY. But you’ll live you know. That’s the bright side kinda. Truth is you probably REALLY love them, so when they end up with someone else, you will wish them the best and keep your feelings to yourself because you want them to be happy. Probably many of times you traced out the details of your life if you were together with them. How everything just clicked, how the arguments meant something, how comfortable you are talking to them about shit from A to Z and back again. Everything just went well then they fucked it up by getting with someone else. Then you’re whole world is shut down. Everything is split in two. You and them versus Them and Their significant other. You feel like you have to compete but the truth is you’re not going anywhere because they won’t let you go. You also want to stay away because you don’t want to fuck up what they have if it makes the one you love happy, you know? Yeah, something like that. So what can you do when the person you love is with someone else? I couldn’t tell you… I’d just sit around wishing shit could happen like it does in the movies but expecting none of that. At least one of us will be happy, I could live with that. Sacrificing your happiness to keep the one you love happy? It be like that sometimes…

Monday, March 14, 2011

Song of the Day: 1

Make You Feel That Way - Blackalicious.

Sometimes I feel I want to shout...
Other times I want to cry...
Before that I was laughing...
And when I woke up, I was smiling.
It's always nice to have something else bring that smile back to you if at least for a brief second. Maybe that's all you need to get through the day. "Hip Hop and a Smile" (I should coin that phrase.) You see I could explain my shortcomings... or just coast over them with some smooth beat. I would choose the latter of the two if I were you... ;*

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My State of Being

Can you all just leave me be,
let me run back to my fantasy,
let me sleep in peace with good thoughts on my mind,
'cause a good thought in my head is usually hard to find.
Can I lay back sometimes and try to imagine,
A better situation for me than what I'm in.
But the worst thing about dreaming something better up,
Is that when you wake it's back to "Never enough."

I'm Really Happy For You

People always say you act different when you get into a relationship but can you really expect for nothing to change? The thing is that when you're in a relationship you have other obligations and you center around a certain person to aside from the rest. You can't possibly be exactly the same. I hate it when my close friends get into a relationship because then I'm just left alone without my usual companion or I'm the third wheel in their relationship. Being left alone is the worst because then you have no where to turn to. Your friend who used to spend the most time with you is now barely seen with you any longer. Makes you feel like you're old news, like you just get dropped like yesterday's newspaper and that's a problem you would have to deal with yourself because you friend has other priorities. Another problem is feeling like you're the third wheel. You're friends still want you around, to kind of show you that they haven't changed but that doesn't work. You just feel like leaving because you're out of place, like you're not wanted. Another downside of your friend being in a relationship was that you can feel used. You always have time for your friend and they always had time for you, now they only talk to you when they have a problem. That's not fair to me and ultimately ends up tearing me apart on the inside. I'll admit, I'm not jealous. I'm glad you have someone. Seriously, I'll miss the times when we were the main focus of our lives but now I guess we have to push that aside for someone else... I'm really happy for you.

Same Cast, Same Stories, Different Titles

I'm sure we all know those movies with the all black cast telling stories about long time friends falling in love and living happily ever after... my question is what happens after that?? Those movies are filled with so many problems and issues. They show the exact examples of what can go on in a relationship and what can go wrong in the movie itself. Do they really expect me to believe that the long time friends who end up together actually will stay together, after all the shit I just witnessed in the movie??!! Hell naw. I'll pass on that one. I'm pretty sure inquiring minds want to know do they stay together or don't they because I have reason to believe it is the latter of the two. My other question would be why does it always take that long for the couple to get together? They've been friends since the beginning of time! How long does it take to realize you love somebody? My last question would be does this happen in real life? Usually people say "That stuff only happens in the movies" but does this happen in real life? I have too many questions left unanswered after I watch those movies, what happens when the smoke and cameras disappear??

Find yourself, then be yourself.

Don't you hate when you work really hard on something just for somebody else to mimic it and take credit for the originality? I feel like that a lot. I work really hard on shit or some shit I don't even try I'm just being myself and people want to copy. I know they say "Imitation is the highest form of flattery" or something like that but not to me, that shit is just plain annoying. I'm not going to say anyone is trying to be me or anything like that but why take the things that I do, on the regular and integrate them into your lifestyle? That's not you at all. Please. I'm not talking about stealing pictures or music or something of that sort but stealing characteristics from someone? What the fuck is that all about?? Shame. Find yourself, then be yourself. That's what I had to do and I'm still working on it... don't take my progress in any way and claim the rights as your own.

I Am An Animated Marionette

I think I should try living life carefree… like everyday is my last. I need to love more people and let them go also. I need to take more risks before over thinking it. I need to live like I’m invincible in order to feel… I’ve been so depressed through the years that I transitioned to a position of contentment and I’m not even sure what to think of it… still not happy though. I want to smile genuinely more than I frown. I want to get over things with the snap of my fingers and keep it moving…never missing a beat. When is my life gonna start? I just wanna feel… something instead of walking around like a soulless drone going through the motions of real human being. This summer I need life.

Dear Diary: 3811

I had a bad day yesterday... I'm still not feeling too good. My phone is off.... I think... Don't know don't care I lost it in my bed anyways. I was supposed to make a "cheat sheet" to study from... but I fell asleep because I'm tired of feeling inadequate with everything I do. When I woke up... 2 missed calls and 3 messages from skype... boys probably calling me for no reason. I'll pass. I'm starting to feel very cynical... I feel like I have to have my alter ego completely separate from me to get through a day without being depressed. I used to be depressed all the time and that's like a prison of the mind, I do NOT want to go back there again. I'm trying my hardest to stay above water but it's like treading water in concrete sneaks. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm just complaining and bullshitting... straight bitchin and whinin all the time... just they don't walk in my shoes... shit is hard and I'm not even complaining about that. I worried about feeling down again. I try to stay positive but it seems like that's not really in style for me... I've changed, I've grown, can you not see it? Less foolish rants, less male bashing... only thing I've done more of is wish for a companion... but I don't even care about that void anymore... it's a lost cause but I just want to be happy. That's the point of it all.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Today I fell in love with Miguel.

story? Ummm today I was listening to Let's Just Be... and I was like "hmmm people are really sleeping on Miguel's vocal ability." This guy has the right amount of everything and isn't hiding behind some sex appeal image like a lot of the other R&B singers. I'm glad I bought All I Want Is You GREAT BUY! But anyways... I found out how much I loved him today and I wanted to let everyone know because I don't "love" anybody just because they're cute. -__-

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Monday, February 28, 2011

This Weekend: Roughly Insane.

I'd be nice if the better days were soon to come.  I know everybody has problems but when will it get better. I've been going through some things. I just want to be able to work hard and see that shit pay off. So I've been trying to get a job, networking with people, keeping my grades up in class... I'm making constant efforts to get some progress but nothing.  It's like I'm coming up short. Like I'm not putting enough work in but I'm trying my hardest. I guess I have to try more than my hardest... I'm not going to explain the situation in detail but long story short. I was homeless and I was almost killed (slight exaggeration I just was almost hurt critically).

Aside from all of that I realized some things. Some things such as the ones who are really my friends are. The friends who worry about you when they don't hear from you like they're accustomed to. Those friends who offer you things like help and support when they have barely anything to give/spare. Those friends who take time out of the day to think about you or thank you for something you did previously. Those friends were there.

Something else that I had to realize over this weekend was how many people I have to get rid of. I was already in the process of ridding my life from the Unworthies but now I have some more to add to that list. Just because you don't talk to some friends you used to doesn't mean that you should get rid  of them... timing is everything and maybe it just isn't the right time for them but some other friends HAVE TO GO! I have this friend who calls on my randomly like I'm supposed to be waiting for their call all day, then  they bore me with all this superfluous nonsense for hours and then they get mad at me when I speak my mind. I'm not holding my tongue for anyone and if you want to waste my time I will not waste mine pretending like you've said something that matters. Before I break into a rampage I will wait for a last straw.... or a hint of change, if I don't see change... dismissed.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bulls Won Tonight.

I'm a Bulls fan of course. Only makes sense because I'm from Chicago. So I thought I'd celebrate haha. They played the Heats and won 93 to 80 something... don't know. don't care. I think it was 89 though so good game. I won't give you all the highlights because I'm not a sports announcer. But that kind of made my day today because they lost the last game versus Toronto I think... smh. They need to bounce back! Plus, the Heats need to stop thinking they are the freaking Justice League of something like that. They are not undefeatable. Oh and just a side note from this post... my other favorite teams are the Orlando Magics and the Los Angeles Lakers. I like other teams but the Bulls, Magic and Lakers are my top 3 in that order. The Bulls are definitely going to the playoffs, this is their season!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Beginning of the Madness.

I guess I might as well start with an introductory post. Typically that's the way it goes...

Hi, my name is Nadia Starr. Most people call me Nadi Dodi. I'm 20 years young. I am in college and at the moment I am transitioning into being a Graphic Art major. I was born and raised in the Midwest. I live in Nebraska and yada yada yada. Enough of that rambling! Why did I make this blog? Okay that's simple. I wanted a place to store my thoughts and vent without constant complaining from people who can't even begin to understand me. I figure I'll use it like my virtual diary or digital stream of consciousness. I've come to an up point in my life where I have a better grip on things unlike before when I was always and emotional wreck, now that just happens occasionally. So anyway before this turns into an epic novel (because I like to write) I'll just leave and do my homework and catch some z's because I have class in the morning and an interview in the afternoon. *prays for the job*