Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I love Pac Div.

So a video from Mania! If you know me you know I love Pac Div. Anti-Freeze.

video from DaleWillet.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I feel like the smallest things make me cry...

Then again I look at all the things that make me cry and why they make me cry then I realize these random things are things that hurt me and only me deeply. Anybody else on the outside looking would think it small or sporadic tears but if you really know me you'd know it's rare to actually see tears coming from my eyes, when sometimes bothering me I address it before getting emotional and lastly most things are deeper than they appear with me. It's not that I cry when things don't go my way, I just tear up when things hurt, emotionally, and there's nothing I can do to change or fix that issue. I'm not a control freak and I'm not a pushover. When something's bothering me I speak up, and I say how I feel and what they need to stop doing or what they will NOT be doing around me. You know what they do? They don't listen nor give a fuck, after that I'm ready to fight. I'm not just gonna turn the other cheek. They do disrespectful shit yet they want me to respect them? No... but I also can't knock them out of existence and it's that conflict within that hurts then makes me tears up. Things are unfair.

Jupiter & Butterflies

I got a secret! Today I got a new puppy... I named him Jupiter. My mom doesn't want him so I have to keep him in my room. He's very quiet and calm and small. I think he's a Dachshund. My mother likes to ruin everything if she's not happy, like she's a queen of all things or something. Newsflash Queens look out for the well being of their people... not act like a diva. ANYWAYS... here's some pictures of Jupiter.

Ok so I am so elated today. I have a puppy. I switched my major. I got rid of this stressful classes. And the Young God wrote me a song to the beat that I've been listening to for days. It's so dope, I had to blush but well done sir. He knows me too well. That's a lovely thing. I'd been harassing him for the longest about a song and now he's made one! I was ecstatic... Thank God things lined up in my life today. Today I not only feel content, I feel happy. HAHA but I also feel anxious because I don't want to crush Jupiter nor step in his dog poop nor have him fall off the bed! He's sleeping like a baby, I'm about to sleep too. :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Fuck All That Shit.

I decided today... that I really am not gonna give a shit. It takes way too much time and energy to give a shit and I just don't want to use that time anymore, seeing that nothing is coming from it. I can't even live. That's not what's up. I am definitely not anywhere close to where I want to be in life and it seems like no progress is coming from me giving a shit so... END THAT. Starting a new. I gotta get more passionate about something and let more things go instead on working on them to get better. They really aren't worth it. A main thing that I have to start doing is saying NO and not thinking about how it makes the other person feel or how anyone else is going to look at me. That's a thing that always softens your decision, that thought of what everybody else is going to think... but fuck them. 3 F's all day and maybe not even all those F's apply. I don't know... but I don't care.

Friday, March 18, 2011

When Someone you love is with someone else... Part 2

I understand that you are with someone else. Yeah I want you to be happy but FUCK THAT! They aren’t me! How the fuck you gonna ruin what we had by bringing somebody else into the picture. I feel like you cheated on me and we weren’t even together! I’m really happy for you though but man all that aside I’m pissed! I’m sitting back thinking how could you it’s like I put in all the work and I got nothing for it. I mean… who was there with you through whatever? We laughed together, we cried together, I’m pretty sure you shared with me more than you shared with any other individual as a whole and now what? This is it? Am I just supposed to sit here and be happy because you’re with someone? You’re happy that doesn’t make me happy instantaneously… I still feel salty about that. I felt comfortable with you, you’re my “Ace in the hole” whenever I felt like everybody was the same… you prove they were different. Then you’re just gone like that. Did I just lose my bestfriend? Now what do I do, I can’t be happy over something like that. You do your thing. You must not understand how much I love you if you can’t see the reason behind my madness. You know how that felt, you know how I feel everyday… knowing that you are happy with someone and I’m alone without even you to talk to like I used to. I’m jealous. I’m torn apart. I feel betrayed. I’ll live though. And yeah… I want you to be happy but I’m not happy. Just let it be, you disappoint me but I guess it be like that sometimes. Enjoy.

Tears have to dry on their own

So life is getting more hectic faster than I can adapt to it and I just wanna yell and scream. Been a tough fucking semester and now spring break is coming up. I have no life, no friends, no phone, no job... this does not spell fun nor contentment. It kind of spells out depression. I keep praying for a break. Please let me catch a break doing something... this shit be really fucked up and I don't know what to do. I'm dying inside and I don't know how to fucking fix it. Within myself I feel like everything is so fragile but on the outside looking in I'm an impenetrable fortress... nothing will get in and what's in will never get out.
You know that cliche phrase "No one understands." I feel like that fits me so much right now. I try to help them understand, they say they get it and I listen to them... but in the end, they don't know what they fuck they're talking about. They tell me shit I already know and  I'm like "Yeah I know that but how do I fix it?" They don't know how to fix it... they just seem to know how to identify it. I don't need that I need a SOLUTION! People think they are fucking psychotherapists or some shit like that... No. How can you tell me about myself and you don't even know me. The closest person who understands what I'm going through is seems to be getting tired of hearing it, that's just how I feel but that's cool but that just makes me more closed off to everyone. The one person who tried to understand but was always there helping me through it is now deceased so does that mean I'm battling this alone again?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

When some you love is with someone else...

Yeah that hurts the soul… DEEPLY. But you’ll live you know. That’s the bright side kinda. Truth is you probably REALLY love them, so when they end up with someone else, you will wish them the best and keep your feelings to yourself because you want them to be happy. Probably many of times you traced out the details of your life if you were together with them. How everything just clicked, how the arguments meant something, how comfortable you are talking to them about shit from A to Z and back again. Everything just went well then they fucked it up by getting with someone else. Then you’re whole world is shut down. Everything is split in two. You and them versus Them and Their significant other. You feel like you have to compete but the truth is you’re not going anywhere because they won’t let you go. You also want to stay away because you don’t want to fuck up what they have if it makes the one you love happy, you know? Yeah, something like that. So what can you do when the person you love is with someone else? I couldn’t tell you… I’d just sit around wishing shit could happen like it does in the movies but expecting none of that. At least one of us will be happy, I could live with that. Sacrificing your happiness to keep the one you love happy? It be like that sometimes…

Monday, March 14, 2011

Song of the Day: 1

Make You Feel That Way - Blackalicious.

Sometimes I feel I want to shout...
Other times I want to cry...
Before that I was laughing...
And when I woke up, I was smiling.
It's always nice to have something else bring that smile back to you if at least for a brief second. Maybe that's all you need to get through the day. "Hip Hop and a Smile" (I should coin that phrase.) You see I could explain my shortcomings... or just coast over them with some smooth beat. I would choose the latter of the two if I were you... ;*

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My State of Being

Can you all just leave me be,
let me run back to my fantasy,
let me sleep in peace with good thoughts on my mind,
'cause a good thought in my head is usually hard to find.
Can I lay back sometimes and try to imagine,
A better situation for me than what I'm in.
But the worst thing about dreaming something better up,
Is that when you wake it's back to "Never enough."

I'm Really Happy For You

People always say you act different when you get into a relationship but can you really expect for nothing to change? The thing is that when you're in a relationship you have other obligations and you center around a certain person to aside from the rest. You can't possibly be exactly the same. I hate it when my close friends get into a relationship because then I'm just left alone without my usual companion or I'm the third wheel in their relationship. Being left alone is the worst because then you have no where to turn to. Your friend who used to spend the most time with you is now barely seen with you any longer. Makes you feel like you're old news, like you just get dropped like yesterday's newspaper and that's a problem you would have to deal with yourself because you friend has other priorities. Another problem is feeling like you're the third wheel. You're friends still want you around, to kind of show you that they haven't changed but that doesn't work. You just feel like leaving because you're out of place, like you're not wanted. Another downside of your friend being in a relationship was that you can feel used. You always have time for your friend and they always had time for you, now they only talk to you when they have a problem. That's not fair to me and ultimately ends up tearing me apart on the inside. I'll admit, I'm not jealous. I'm glad you have someone. Seriously, I'll miss the times when we were the main focus of our lives but now I guess we have to push that aside for someone else... I'm really happy for you.

Same Cast, Same Stories, Different Titles

I'm sure we all know those movies with the all black cast telling stories about long time friends falling in love and living happily ever after... my question is what happens after that?? Those movies are filled with so many problems and issues. They show the exact examples of what can go on in a relationship and what can go wrong in the movie itself. Do they really expect me to believe that the long time friends who end up together actually will stay together, after all the shit I just witnessed in the movie??!! Hell naw. I'll pass on that one. I'm pretty sure inquiring minds want to know do they stay together or don't they because I have reason to believe it is the latter of the two. My other question would be why does it always take that long for the couple to get together? They've been friends since the beginning of time! How long does it take to realize you love somebody? My last question would be does this happen in real life? Usually people say "That stuff only happens in the movies" but does this happen in real life? I have too many questions left unanswered after I watch those movies, what happens when the smoke and cameras disappear??

Find yourself, then be yourself.

Don't you hate when you work really hard on something just for somebody else to mimic it and take credit for the originality? I feel like that a lot. I work really hard on shit or some shit I don't even try I'm just being myself and people want to copy. I know they say "Imitation is the highest form of flattery" or something like that but not to me, that shit is just plain annoying. I'm not going to say anyone is trying to be me or anything like that but why take the things that I do, on the regular and integrate them into your lifestyle? That's not you at all. Please. I'm not talking about stealing pictures or music or something of that sort but stealing characteristics from someone? What the fuck is that all about?? Shame. Find yourself, then be yourself. That's what I had to do and I'm still working on it... don't take my progress in any way and claim the rights as your own.

I Am An Animated Marionette

I think I should try living life carefree… like everyday is my last. I need to love more people and let them go also. I need to take more risks before over thinking it. I need to live like I’m invincible in order to feel… I’ve been so depressed through the years that I transitioned to a position of contentment and I’m not even sure what to think of it… still not happy though. I want to smile genuinely more than I frown. I want to get over things with the snap of my fingers and keep it moving…never missing a beat. When is my life gonna start? I just wanna feel… something instead of walking around like a soulless drone going through the motions of real human being. This summer I need life.

Dear Diary: 3811

I had a bad day yesterday... I'm still not feeling too good. My phone is off.... I think... Don't know don't care I lost it in my bed anyways. I was supposed to make a "cheat sheet" to study from... but I fell asleep because I'm tired of feeling inadequate with everything I do. When I woke up... 2 missed calls and 3 messages from skype... boys probably calling me for no reason. I'll pass. I'm starting to feel very cynical... I feel like I have to have my alter ego completely separate from me to get through a day without being depressed. I used to be depressed all the time and that's like a prison of the mind, I do NOT want to go back there again. I'm trying my hardest to stay above water but it's like treading water in concrete sneaks. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm just complaining and bullshitting... straight bitchin and whinin all the time... just they don't walk in my shoes... shit is hard and I'm not even complaining about that. I worried about feeling down again. I try to stay positive but it seems like that's not really in style for me... I've changed, I've grown, can you not see it? Less foolish rants, less male bashing... only thing I've done more of is wish for a companion... but I don't even care about that void anymore... it's a lost cause but I just want to be happy. That's the point of it all.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Today I fell in love with Miguel.

story? Ummm today I was listening to Let's Just Be... and I was like "hmmm people are really sleeping on Miguel's vocal ability." This guy has the right amount of everything and isn't hiding behind some sex appeal image like a lot of the other R&B singers. I'm glad I bought All I Want Is You GREAT BUY! But anyways... I found out how much I loved him today and I wanted to let everyone know because I don't "love" anybody just because they're cute. -__-

Wednesday, March 2, 2011