Men In Black 3 Trailer.

So excited. I can't wait!

eyes wide shut.

fuck this artificial light... I feel like I'm in an incubator waiting to hatch into a better reality. It's just blaring down on me, my eyes get blurry as if I'm supposed to be nocturnal or something. Pitiful. I guess I spend too much of my "spare time" with my eyes closed trying to live in a dream where I can make shit happen... because I sure can't make it happen in real life.

I wanna dive.

So recently I've built up and incredible urge to go diving. Yeah I know, middle of autumn, the Great Plains... how and why would I have built up the urge to dive and if I could where would I even go to dive? Well anybody who knows me should know that I love almost all things aquatic. I saw a flyer at school for discount scuba lessons and discovered DiVentures. Now I don't have the money nor time right now but I'm at least aware of it. I AM TOTALLY GONNA TRY IT. Ultimately I want to go diving in Austria's Green Lake which is dry land for half of the year and underwater for the other have. I'm kind of excited in advance now.

GoodReads

So I recently discovered a website that is just screams me and every since last week I have been hooked to it. I only wished I had learned of it sooner! The website is called goodreads.com and it's a place where you can keep track of the books you have read, get recommended different books based on the ones you have read and also read reviews, answer trivia, meet friends with your same interest in books and win free books. I'm not so sure how I stumbled upon this website but I think I was just browsing pictures of books and BAM, there it was. Everyone who knows me should know how much I love books, I mean... in my book, books come before boys and clothes (did I really say that? *looks over shoulder*) and that's saying something.  I just wish I had unlimited access to all the books I've just so recently discovered, the libraries all over this town suck ape balls! So anyway, my new addictive website... add me if you have one.

Operating without my consent

I wish I knew what's wrong, instead I say "I'm fine."
I say too much I don't mean; I'm laughing all the time.
Nobody sees the difference; I know I'm not the same.
I guess it's just a reflex: defenses for the pain.

My Life as of 10.2.11

It is now the second day of October and my mind is running rampant with complete chaos. I cannot focus on one thing at a time, I'm a natural multitasker but still I'm hopping to the next thought before I even finish the first one.  I have to keep making lists to keep my mind straight, but then I just end up with a list of lists. Things get even more complex by the minute. I must update more.
   I've been having a down week I think. My mood has been off (and no its not some freaky PMS shit. Don't even.) Last weekend my bestest friend (don't judge me) came to visit, of course it was for a funeral but that's besides the point. The little time we did have together was cool. Dukes called him for a wake but it's understandable. I had a life for once that weekend. This weekend though... horrendous. I almost began to hate driving. People here don't know what turning signals are, I swear they give anybody a license in this town because when I got mine I was overly prepared. Driving on these roads made me never want to drive again! I'm glad my insurance company didn't see those roads because they would be trying to up my price as a liability. NO sir.
   My good friend Talisha had a house warming party that I didn't get to make it to but I still got in touch with her and told her I would have to visit her soon. She's doing great for herself, in my opinion. Good job, nice home (from what I heard) and she's in school now. That sounds like success to me. I only got one out of the three and I know I'm "still young" but I just want to be prepared so that I can live my life while I'm still young and not worry worry worry and then live when I'm too old to be doing some things... like streaking or partying with college kids at spring break when I'm old enough to be one of their mothers haha. I just wanna be ready to live when life presents those opportunities.

mindbloop.

I wanna join a cause and raise awareness maybe for AiDS or deafness or keeping art in schools or something for Africa. I don't yet. I feel like I need something to support and stand for when I'm being major selfless.

Positive Reinforcement

Guys want to say that I'm just acting a fool or I'm jealous or something like insecure.  It's true that everything is not always it seems but can you see it from my side for once?  I met you and that was it. I liked your personality, you got along well with other people, you had good looks you just had it and that was cool. Why wouldn't I get a crush on you and then try to do something about it? When I did do something, we became an item. Now, before we got together I knew your were a people person (or flirt whichever applies) so it wasn't quite a surprise but maybe I just needed some reinforcement because I was the girlfriend now, not just a friend any longer. You know a lot of people (saying "practically everybody" would be slightly exaggerated) and when those people are girls it's like a threat, a minor threat JUST because they don't know me.  I don't think of anything outrageous like you cheating or something but it's kind of like an uncomfortable feeling (just in the beginning of a relationship) seeing other girls approach you and not knowing if I have to compete with them or not. Like not knowing if I can keep your interest or maybe you get bored fast. Maybe you like risks and I'm too safe for you. Maybe... she sees you like I saw you before we were together, I liked you, I did something about it, now we're together maybe she likes you and she thinks she can do something about that. I don't assume anything is going on but that still kind of plays in the back of my mind. It's the things that you don't know that trouble you so frequently...

Women Problems

Just a heads up to any guy who may come across this I don't want  to hear your "females do the same thing" spill. Females are not any issue to me because I'm not interested in them. So guys seem as if they love to talk down to women. It's been done to me by ALL kinds of guys plenty of times, I'm talking family, teachers, friends, boyfriends, bosses... seriously.  It pisses me off, because I really feel like there's nothing I can do. They talk down, don't see anything wrong EVEN WHEN YOU POINT IT OUT and then it just makes you feel even madder when you try to explain your reasons for being offended. It's like arguing with an idiot, you get mad because you look like the person in the wrong, when it's supposed to be vice versa.
   Things are never easy for women. I once got into an argument and the guy told me that women's rights has come very far and that women can do almost anything a man can do. I guess he thought that was his justification. In my head I was just repeating "Let it go, he doesn't understand, he's just a man." I was trying to calm myself down (after a couple of arguments with someone you get a feel for how any other arguments will go) I wanted to just like delete the situation. How can you share your mind with someone if they're not willing to listen?
   If your boobs aren't bursting out of your bra or your cheeks aren't hanging out your shorts then guys don't see you and we already know they're not listening to you. It... annoys the hell out of me when a guy always pays attention to girls like that, but then they say they aren't looking for that type of girl to marry. Seriously? Make up your minds! I think it'd be better if you acted like the man a typical woman like the one you mentally fabricated would go for instead of thinking you're just this fuck up that women want to "fix." Not all women want to "fix" a man, some want, basically what any practical person wants in a relationship, someone worth building with. Try to find people with the same mindset at you at least for the time being if you want to have fun, find someone like that, if you want to be serious look for people like that and if your mindset changes and theirs doesn't then it's just fight or flight. Please keep that in mind...

Troubleshooting: How to Unfollow

Ok now I swear this was a fucking headache in a can but I finally found a way to get rid of all these dormant blogs I was following. I thought it would be easy, there was a button beneath the reading list that said "Manage" took me to a page where I thought I could easy unfollow/unsubscribe to these blogs. WRONG. I clicked "stop following this blog" and nothing happened. Ummm ok something's not doing it's job right. So of course I googled "I can't unfollow a blog on blogger!" and some forums popped. I would say the only thing helpful about the forums were that I got a chance to see that  I wasn't dumb as a doorknob because other people where having the same problem as me exactly. Every detail. So I had to figure out a way myself. I had to log in log out. Nothing was working. I was getting irritated. THEN I figured out how to unfollow/unsubscribe and I had to write this down so I wouldn't forget it in the near future. I went to manage blogs I'm following (that's a given) and then I clicked "Settings" next to the blog I wanted to unfollow/unsubscribe. After that (since I had unfollowed it plenty of times before but it didn't work) I followed the blog. After I followed the blog I clicked "Settings" again and this time I went to "Stop following this blog" (that's a given) and this time it worked. I only had to follow the blog (or one of the blogs you were trying to unfollow if it was more than one) once then I could unfollow the other ones the usual way. Maybe I can makes some easier steps. Hope this helps anyone else who comes across it.
Step by Step: (after you're on the "Blogs I'm Following" screen)

1. Click "Settings" next to the blog you want to unfollow.
2. When the window pops up, follow the blog.
3. Repeat step 1, this time click "Stop following this blog"
4. Now the blog should be unfollowed and off of you reading list. If they is more than one blog you want to unfollow, repeat step 3 with those.

Woo, now I have to remember this haha.

Bad Boys.

I don't think I really like thug type dudes. They worry me too much and they're not versatile. They wear the same thing everyday, no variance. Shifty eyes. Think love solves every argument, you never know if you're spending your last moment with him alive/not behind bars and you're never sure if you're safe with them. I'm sure women love bad boys... but I don't think I'm in that percentage. Much too much for me to worry about I like things more secure. I'm sure guys aren't perfect but I at least need that decency. I don't want to call him mine if I don't know much about his dealings. Things happen fast and nobody knows why, I don't want to be in that zone worrying, trying to be optimistic without knowing already that things are not looking good.

There are no handouts in the free world and certainly none in my house.

It's a sad day yo... Bulls and fucking Thunder lost the same fucking way in the finals. Done with basketball season.  Hmph! On top of that I feel like... I don't know it's that kind of feeling where you feel low and you don't know why, yeah. Plus my Brown Sugar DVD doesn't work anymore BUMMED! Now I'm sitting here cleaning my room to keep my idle hands busy and watching Higher Learning instead. I'll live though oh well. I get over things quick by putting them out of my mind.
My brother graduated yesterday. I don't really have any pictures but this one... Not that it matters too much. HE MADE IT. That's the most important part.

Here's a picture of me from before graduation (I realized I really haven't posted a picture of myself)

After that I went to the movies with one of my bestfriends for that midnight showing of Hangover Part 2. That was fun, the movie was nice. His little brother graduated to so congrats to all the 2011 graduates. Tonight is just cleaning and watching movies even though it's like 230 in the morning. Organizing my mini library and I realize... I need more books. That is all, feed my addiction!!! Goodnight.

Back to Strangers.

Contemplating how to tell my exes that I don’t feel for them like I used to. Usually a guy dumps me and I never really stop feeling some kinda way for him but now I just don’t feel anything. It’s like 2 or 3 exes who always think they have this power over me because we have history. Umm no. I do not feel that way anymore. You do not get boyfriend privileges obviously because you are not a boyfriend. You will not be a boyfriend again because 1. I don’t backtrack, once an ex always an ex. 2. The feelings are gone. I may laugh at your jokes or hang out with you because I’m bored or help you just because you need help. There is no emotions attached to it, I don’t laugh because you made me blush I do that so you can stfu, I don’t hang out with you because I want to see you and I don’t help you out because I care, I help you because you ask and sometimes it’s the right thing to do. Please don’t get it twisted. I get real mad when you assume things about me and they are not true. It makes me realize how much you don’t even know me at all… 

Mayer Hawthorne - Impressions! was released today! :D

No other reason for posting this. I just love Mayer Hawthorne and he just released a new EP covering all these songs I'm already familiar with and love. So I thought I just had to put this on my blog and no comments really because it would be totally biased because Mayer Hawthorne is a favorite of mine regardless.

Download now for free of course.

(I should probably included the tracks...)

1. Work to Do - The Isley Brothers
2. Don't Turn the Lights On - Chromeo
3. You've Got the Makings of a Lover - The Festivals
4. Fantasy Girl - Steve Salazar
5. Little Person - Jon Brion
6. Mr. Blue Sky - ELO

All covered by Mayer and also The County.

Tornadic... yeah I think I just made up that word.

Just realized today I was so chill and naturally cute even though the tornadic winds raped my hair. Felt lovely. I just had on a t shirt and some jeans and old chucks. My hair... ponytail and bang, simple. Just hung out with my boys Oscar, Blake, Brad and Alex. SMH Poor Parris LOL. Came home and it ruined my high on life... so now I feel extra tired and nobody's taking me to see Fast Five. Fucking cocksuckers. So back to my NO LIFE... sleeping right after I fill out these job apps. Not miserable (at least not more than usual) my high is just blown.

I Can Tell When A Guy Likes Me...

and it’s annoying as fuck seeing that I just want to chill and have no ties, nothing to weigh me down, nobody to check in with and all the positive shit about being single. But guys try to cuff? They claim you all the time and my [insert pet name guy gave you] I’m just like dude… calm the fuck down. Also every conversation that is held between you and him he wants to ask you “When are you gonna be my boo/baby/girlfriend?” I’m just like dude… chill. When I wanted a boyfriend you were nowhere to be found now that I’m good you’re all on my bumper. I understand that I asked for honesty and that includes voicing your thoughts if you like me but just because you do that doesn’t mean that I will instantly become your girlfriend. When guys like me it’s annoying as fuck, they never give me space, always asking awkward questions, always being nosy, and always claiming me or trying to force me to do things. Can you fools go harass some simple minded chick because Dodi don’t play that. Annoy fucks!

Song of the Day: 2

Beautiful (remix) - Black Star & Mary J. Blige

They say that beauty's in the eye of the beholder

so I use my third and now our love is solid like a boulder

wanna build with you as I get older

and that's my word! Sure as I stand on my ancestors' shoulders.

You see through my drama and my world like a stage

Not the same years but living in the same age
It's the quality not the quantity
Follow me? Definitely! Far from probably... Got to be!
You and me beautifully fit like pieces of a man I used to be
Now I'm back! 'cause of what you do to me.
You like my reflection; better half to my whole
Like lyrics to the beat you the mate for my soul
The breath for my life, my sister and my lover
Used to have cold feet now you the warmth under my covers
I can't ignore your aura 'cause it grabbed me by the hand
Like the moon pulled the tide and the tide pulled the sand

   It just amazes me how lovely this verse is to a relationship. If Kweli told me this there would be no doubt in my mind of whether he loves me or not. In my mind, I consider this like hip hop vows. Every time I hear this verse (it's part of one of my favorite songs so I hear it a lot) it just makes me smile because it's like this verse is for THE ONE, that is meant for one over all others. That one that you would give your all to and expect nothing in return.
   I may be getting a little too in depth but it's a verse I really love. "The breath for my life, my sister and my lover" It just goes beyond the new general standard idea of a relationship (even though this isn't a new song). The relationship is more than just intimate it's like he's completed. Like wherever he's lacking she's picking up the slack and she's more than a girl she's his friend, his sister, his life. It's more that just love... it's like his entire being is satisfied to share whatever he has with her, she's welcomed in every aspect of his life.
   I truly love every verse in this song every line all the ad libs but Kweli's first verse stood out to me the most. Maybe because I felt like the words applied/applies to me in more than one way. Not sure but this just makes me smile anyway. Mos Def, Talib Kweli and Mary J. Blige did a wonderful job with "Beautiful." That verse though... that's like Verbal Art. I would hang in the the gallery of my collective thoughts and admire like a memory.

"Sometimes you meet somebody who's just completely..." - Beautiful, Mos Def

Tyga: Black Thoughts 2

Firstly, I love Tyga like his style, voice and delivery. Secondly, his mixtape Black Thoughts 2 presented by DJ Ill Will and DJ Rockstar was just released yesterday. I listened to it all night, slept on in and it was nice. (Being a fan I would say it was bomb! But I digress.) Usually when I listen to artist's mixtapes or albums I decide out of the tracks featured, would the "nice!" outweigh the "ehh ok" and it definitely did. My favorite songs are probably a tie between Reminded ft. Adele (because I love Adele.) and First Time ft. Pharrell (because there is no wrong that man can do. <3) But Pharrell wins. So you can click the cover or the link to listen and download for free.

Download & Listen here.

Nobody Can Hurt You Like Your Friends...

You want to know my feelings? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how I look from the outside looking in but on the inside I'm troubled with things just like everybody else. Why do I feel like no one understands me? Out of all the basic problems in my life and out of all the people in this world... no one understands me? Only like one person gets it. That should be enough but I've gotten into the mind state that no one does so I don't want to harass him with my sad tales and pessimistic thoughts. That's just one battle in my mind, Tell the only person who gets me what's troubling me when it's troubling me or keep it to myself because he's only human and his life doesn't revolve around me and my problems? I would end up keeping it to myself :( Another thing, my friends put my down intentionally and unintentionally. I confront them on the unintentional ones but on the intentional ones what do I say? They know what they're doing then... it's just fucking disgusting because I never go that far for them. They get mad at me for being mad or upset then I just become sad because my "friends" become just people when they turn on me when they don't get what they want. So I guess if they get mad it means that they care right? But still you don't fight fire with fire. I'm not wrong for showing emotions and neither are they but I still think they're wrong for dealing with the situation by adding more negativity to an already negative bottle. This is why I hate everyone, they don't even try to make things better then just make them worse and they generalize every situation like every person is the same. Everyone knows that is not true and your friends should know specifically but I guess not. :( My feelings are really hurt today and this time it's not just the situation hitting something deeper, this time it's actually my fucking expectations that I have for the people I call my friends. Fuck you very much.

I love Pac Div.

So a video from Mania! If you know me you know I love Pac Div. Anti-Freeze.



video from DaleWillet.