My Life as of 10.2.11

It is now the second day of October and my mind is running rampant with complete chaos. I cannot focus on one thing at a time, I'm a natural multitasker but still I'm hopping to the next thought before I even finish the first one.  I have to keep making lists to keep my mind straight, but then I just end up with a list of lists. Things get even more complex by the minute. I must update more.
   I've been having a down week I think. My mood has been off (and no its not some freaky PMS shit. Don't even.) Last weekend my bestest friend (don't judge me) came to visit, of course it was for a funeral but that's besides the point. The little time we did have together was cool. Dukes called him for a wake but it's understandable. I had a life for once that weekend. This weekend though... horrendous. I almost began to hate driving. People here don't know what turning signals are, I swear they give anybody a license in this town because when I got mine I was overly prepared. Driving on these roads made me never want to drive again! I'm glad my insurance company didn't see those roads because they would be trying to up my price as a liability. NO sir.
   My good friend Talisha had a house warming party that I didn't get to make it to but I still got in touch with her and told her I would have to visit her soon. She's doing great for herself, in my opinion. Good job, nice home (from what I heard) and she's in school now. That sounds like success to me. I only got one out of the three and I know I'm "still young" but I just want to be prepared so that I can live my life while I'm still young and not worry worry worry and then live when I'm too old to be doing some things... like streaking or partying with college kids at spring break when I'm old enough to be one of their mothers haha. I just wanna be ready to live when life presents those opportunities.

Positive Reinforcement

Guys want to say that I'm just acting a fool or I'm jealous or something like insecure.  It's true that everything is not always it seems but can you see it from my side for once?  I met you and that was it. I liked your personality, you got along well with other people, you had good looks you just had it and that was cool. Why wouldn't I get a crush on you and then try to do something about it? When I did do something, we became an item. Now, before we got together I knew your were a people person (or flirt whichever applies) so it wasn't quite a surprise but maybe I just needed some reinforcement because I was the girlfriend now, not just a friend any longer. You know a lot of people (saying "practically everybody" would be slightly exaggerated) and when those people are girls it's like a threat, a minor threat JUST because they don't know me.  I don't think of anything outrageous like you cheating or something but it's kind of like an uncomfortable feeling (just in the beginning of a relationship) seeing other girls approach you and not knowing if I have to compete with them or not. Like not knowing if I can keep your interest or maybe you get bored fast. Maybe you like risks and I'm too safe for you. Maybe... she sees you like I saw you before we were together, I liked you, I did something about it, now we're together maybe she likes you and she thinks she can do something about that. I don't assume anything is going on but that still kind of plays in the back of my mind. It's the things that you don't know that trouble you so frequently...

There are no handouts in the free world and certainly none in my house.

It's a sad day yo... Bulls and fucking Thunder lost the same fucking way in the finals. Done with basketball season.  Hmph! On top of that I feel like... I don't know it's that kind of feeling where you feel low and you don't know why, yeah. Plus my Brown Sugar DVD doesn't work anymore BUMMED! Now I'm sitting here cleaning my room to keep my idle hands busy and watching Higher Learning instead. I'll live though oh well. I get over things quick by putting them out of my mind.
My brother graduated yesterday. I don't really have any pictures but this one... Not that it matters too much. HE MADE IT. That's the most important part.

Here's a picture of me from before graduation (I realized I really haven't posted a picture of myself)

After that I went to the movies with one of my bestfriends for that midnight showing of Hangover Part 2. That was fun, the movie was nice. His little brother graduated to so congrats to all the 2011 graduates. Tonight is just cleaning and watching movies even though it's like 230 in the morning. Organizing my mini library and I realize... I need more books. That is all, feed my addiction!!! Goodnight.

Back to Strangers.

Contemplating how to tell my exes that I don’t feel for them like I used to. Usually a guy dumps me and I never really stop feeling some kinda way for him but now I just don’t feel anything. It’s like 2 or 3 exes who always think they have this power over me because we have history. Umm no. I do not feel that way anymore. You do not get boyfriend privileges obviously because you are not a boyfriend. You will not be a boyfriend again because 1. I don’t backtrack, once an ex always an ex. 2. The feelings are gone. I may laugh at your jokes or hang out with you because I’m bored or help you just because you need help. There is no emotions attached to it, I don’t laugh because you made me blush I do that so you can stfu, I don’t hang out with you because I want to see you and I don’t help you out because I care, I help you because you ask and sometimes it’s the right thing to do. Please don’t get it twisted. I get real mad when you assume things about me and they are not true. It makes me realize how much you don’t even know me at all… 

Tornadic... yeah I think I just made up that word.

Just realized today I was so chill and naturally cute even though the tornadic winds raped my hair. Felt lovely. I just had on a t shirt and some jeans and old chucks. My hair... ponytail and bang, simple. Just hung out with my boys Oscar, Blake, Brad and Alex. SMH Poor Parris LOL. Came home and it ruined my high on life... so now I feel extra tired and nobody's taking me to see Fast Five. Fucking cocksuckers. So back to my NO LIFE... sleeping right after I fill out these job apps. Not miserable (at least not more than usual) my high is just blown.

Song of the Day: 2

Beautiful (remix) - Black Star & Mary J. Blige

They say that beauty's in the eye of the beholder

so I use my third and now our love is solid like a boulder

wanna build with you as I get older

and that's my word! Sure as I stand on my ancestors' shoulders.

You see through my drama and my world like a stage

Not the same years but living in the same age
It's the quality not the quantity
Follow me? Definitely! Far from probably... Got to be!
You and me beautifully fit like pieces of a man I used to be
Now I'm back! 'cause of what you do to me.
You like my reflection; better half to my whole
Like lyrics to the beat you the mate for my soul
The breath for my life, my sister and my lover
Used to have cold feet now you the warmth under my covers
I can't ignore your aura 'cause it grabbed me by the hand
Like the moon pulled the tide and the tide pulled the sand

   It just amazes me how lovely this verse is to a relationship. If Kweli told me this there would be no doubt in my mind of whether he loves me or not. In my mind, I consider this like hip hop vows. Every time I hear this verse (it's part of one of my favorite songs so I hear it a lot) it just makes me smile because it's like this verse is for THE ONE, that is meant for one over all others. That one that you would give your all to and expect nothing in return.
   I may be getting a little too in depth but it's a verse I really love. "The breath for my life, my sister and my lover" It just goes beyond the new general standard idea of a relationship (even though this isn't a new song). The relationship is more than just intimate it's like he's completed. Like wherever he's lacking she's picking up the slack and she's more than a girl she's his friend, his sister, his life. It's more that just love... it's like his entire being is satisfied to share whatever he has with her, she's welcomed in every aspect of his life.
   I truly love every verse in this song every line all the ad libs but Kweli's first verse stood out to me the most. Maybe because I felt like the words applied/applies to me in more than one way. Not sure but this just makes me smile anyway. Mos Def, Talib Kweli and Mary J. Blige did a wonderful job with "Beautiful." That verse though... that's like Verbal Art. I would hang in the the gallery of my collective thoughts and admire like a memory.

"Sometimes you meet somebody who's just completely..." - Beautiful, Mos Def

Nobody Can Hurt You Like Your Friends...

You want to know my feelings? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how I look from the outside looking in but on the inside I'm troubled with things just like everybody else. Why do I feel like no one understands me? Out of all the basic problems in my life and out of all the people in this world... no one understands me? Only like one person gets it. That should be enough but I've gotten into the mind state that no one does so I don't want to harass him with my sad tales and pessimistic thoughts. That's just one battle in my mind, Tell the only person who gets me what's troubling me when it's troubling me or keep it to myself because he's only human and his life doesn't revolve around me and my problems? I would end up keeping it to myself :( Another thing, my friends put my down intentionally and unintentionally. I confront them on the unintentional ones but on the intentional ones what do I say? They know what they're doing then... it's just fucking disgusting because I never go that far for them. They get mad at me for being mad or upset then I just become sad because my "friends" become just people when they turn on me when they don't get what they want. So I guess if they get mad it means that they care right? But still you don't fight fire with fire. I'm not wrong for showing emotions and neither are they but I still think they're wrong for dealing with the situation by adding more negativity to an already negative bottle. This is why I hate everyone, they don't even try to make things better then just make them worse and they generalize every situation like every person is the same. Everyone knows that is not true and your friends should know specifically but I guess not. :( My feelings are really hurt today and this time it's not just the situation hitting something deeper, this time it's actually my fucking expectations that I have for the people I call my friends. Fuck you very much.

Jupiter & Butterflies

I got a secret! Today I got a new puppy... I named him Jupiter. My mom doesn't want him so I have to keep him in my room. He's very quiet and calm and small. I think he's a Dachshund. My mother likes to ruin everything if she's not happy, like she's a queen of all things or something. Newsflash Queens look out for the well being of their people... not act like a diva. ANYWAYS... here's some pictures of Jupiter.

Ok so I am so elated today. I have a puppy. I switched my major. I got rid of this stressful classes. And the Young God wrote me a song to the beat that I've been listening to for days. It's so dope, I had to blush but well done sir. He knows me too well. That's a lovely thing. I'd been harassing him for the longest about a song and now he's made one! I was ecstatic... Thank God things lined up in my life today. Today I not only feel content, I feel happy. HAHA but I also feel anxious because I don't want to crush Jupiter nor step in his dog poop nor have him fall off the bed! He's sleeping like a baby, I'm about to sleep too. :)

Fuck All That Shit.

I decided today... that I really am not gonna give a shit. It takes way too much time and energy to give a shit and I just don't want to use that time anymore, seeing that nothing is coming from it. I can't even live. That's not what's up. I am definitely not anywhere close to where I want to be in life and it seems like no progress is coming from me giving a shit so... END THAT. Starting a new. I gotta get more passionate about something and let more things go instead on working on them to get better. They really aren't worth it. A main thing that I have to start doing is saying NO and not thinking about how it makes the other person feel or how anyone else is going to look at me. That's a thing that always softens your decision, that thought of what everybody else is going to think... but fuck them. 3 F's all day and maybe not even all those F's apply. I don't know... but I don't care.

Tears have to dry on their own

So life is getting more hectic faster than I can adapt to it and I just wanna yell and scream. Been a tough fucking semester and now spring break is coming up. I have no life, no friends, no phone, no job... this does not spell fun nor contentment. It kind of spells out depression. I keep praying for a break. Please let me catch a break doing something... this shit be really fucked up and I don't know what to do. I'm dying inside and I don't know how to fucking fix it. Within myself I feel like everything is so fragile but on the outside looking in I'm an impenetrable fortress... nothing will get in and what's in will never get out.
You know that cliche phrase "No one understands." I feel like that fits me so much right now. I try to help them understand, they say they get it and I listen to them... but in the end, they don't know what they fuck they're talking about. They tell me shit I already know and  I'm like "Yeah I know that but how do I fix it?" They don't know how to fix it... they just seem to know how to identify it. I don't need that I need a SOLUTION! People think they are fucking psychotherapists or some shit like that... No. How can you tell me about myself and you don't even know me. The closest person who understands what I'm going through is seems to be getting tired of hearing it, that's just how I feel but that's cool but that just makes me more closed off to everyone. The one person who tried to understand but was always there helping me through it is now deceased so does that mean I'm battling this alone again?

I'm Really Happy For You

People always say you act different when you get into a relationship but can you really expect for nothing to change? The thing is that when you're in a relationship you have other obligations and you center around a certain person to aside from the rest. You can't possibly be exactly the same. I hate it when my close friends get into a relationship because then I'm just left alone without my usual companion or I'm the third wheel in their relationship. Being left alone is the worst because then you have no where to turn to. Your friend who used to spend the most time with you is now barely seen with you any longer. Makes you feel like you're old news, like you just get dropped like yesterday's newspaper and that's a problem you would have to deal with yourself because you friend has other priorities. Another problem is feeling like you're the third wheel. You're friends still want you around, to kind of show you that they haven't changed but that doesn't work. You just feel like leaving because you're out of place, like you're not wanted. Another downside of your friend being in a relationship was that you can feel used. You always have time for your friend and they always had time for you, now they only talk to you when they have a problem. That's not fair to me and ultimately ends up tearing me apart on the inside. I'll admit, I'm not jealous. I'm glad you have someone. Seriously, I'll miss the times when we were the main focus of our lives but now I guess we have to push that aside for someone else... I'm really happy for you.

I Am An Animated Marionette

I think I should try living life carefree… like everyday is my last. I need to love more people and let them go also. I need to take more risks before over thinking it. I need to live like I’m invincible in order to feel… I’ve been so depressed through the years that I transitioned to a position of contentment and I’m not even sure what to think of it… still not happy though. I want to smile genuinely more than I frown. I want to get over things with the snap of my fingers and keep it moving…never missing a beat. When is my life gonna start? I just wanna feel… something instead of walking around like a soulless drone going through the motions of real human being. This summer I need life.

Dear Diary: 3811

I had a bad day yesterday... I'm still not feeling too good. My phone is off.... I think... Don't know don't care I lost it in my bed anyways. I was supposed to make a "cheat sheet" to study from... but I fell asleep because I'm tired of feeling inadequate with everything I do. When I woke up... 2 missed calls and 3 messages from skype... boys probably calling me for no reason. I'll pass. I'm starting to feel very cynical... I feel like I have to have my alter ego completely separate from me to get through a day without being depressed. I used to be depressed all the time and that's like a prison of the mind, I do NOT want to go back there again. I'm trying my hardest to stay above water but it's like treading water in concrete sneaks. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm just complaining and bullshitting... straight bitchin and whinin all the time... just they don't walk in my shoes... shit is hard and I'm not even complaining about that. I worried about feeling down again. I try to stay positive but it seems like that's not really in style for me... I've changed, I've grown, can you not see it? Less foolish rants, less male bashing... only thing I've done more of is wish for a companion... but I don't even care about that void anymore... it's a lost cause but I just want to be happy. That's the point of it all.

This Weekend: Roughly Insane.

I'd be nice if the better days were soon to come.  I know everybody has problems but when will it get better. I've been going through some things. I just want to be able to work hard and see that shit pay off. So I've been trying to get a job, networking with people, keeping my grades up in class... I'm making constant efforts to get some progress but nothing.  It's like I'm coming up short. Like I'm not putting enough work in but I'm trying my hardest. I guess I have to try more than my hardest... I'm not going to explain the situation in detail but long story short. I was homeless and I was almost killed (slight exaggeration I just was almost hurt critically).

Aside from all of that I realized some things. Some things such as the ones who are really my friends are. The friends who worry about you when they don't hear from you like they're accustomed to. Those friends who offer you things like help and support when they have barely anything to give/spare. Those friends who take time out of the day to think about you or thank you for something you did previously. Those friends were there.

Something else that I had to realize over this weekend was how many people I have to get rid of. I was already in the process of ridding my life from the Unworthies but now I have some more to add to that list. Just because you don't talk to some friends you used to doesn't mean that you should get rid  of them... timing is everything and maybe it just isn't the right time for them but some other friends HAVE TO GO! I have this friend who calls on my randomly like I'm supposed to be waiting for their call all day, then  they bore me with all this superfluous nonsense for hours and then they get mad at me when I speak my mind. I'm not holding my tongue for anyone and if you want to waste my time I will not waste mine pretending like you've said something that matters. Before I break into a rampage I will wait for a last straw.... or a hint of change, if I don't see change... dismissed.

The Beginning of the Madness.

I guess I might as well start with an introductory post. Typically that's the way it goes...

Hi, my name is Nadia Starr. Most people call me Nadi Dodi. I'm 20 years young. I am in college and at the moment I am transitioning into being a Graphic Art major. I was born and raised in the Midwest. I live in Nebraska and yada yada yada. Enough of that rambling! Why did I make this blog? Okay that's simple. I wanted a place to store my thoughts and vent without constant complaining from people who can't even begin to understand me. I figure I'll use it like my virtual diary or digital stream of consciousness. I've come to an up point in my life where I have a better grip on things unlike before when I was always and emotional wreck, now that just happens occasionally. So anyway before this turns into an epic novel (because I like to write) I'll just leave and do my homework and catch some z's because I have class in the morning and an interview in the afternoon. *prays for the job*

xoxo♥