Positive Reinforcement

Guys want to say that I'm just acting a fool or I'm jealous or something like insecure.  It's true that everything is not always it seems but can you see it from my side for once?  I met you and that was it. I liked your personality, you got along well with other people, you had good looks you just had it and that was cool. Why wouldn't I get a crush on you and then try to do something about it? When I did do something, we became an item. Now, before we got together I knew your were a people person (or flirt whichever applies) so it wasn't quite a surprise but maybe I just needed some reinforcement because I was the girlfriend now, not just a friend any longer. You know a lot of people (saying "practically everybody" would be slightly exaggerated) and when those people are girls it's like a threat, a minor threat JUST because they don't know me.  I don't think of anything outrageous like you cheating or something but it's kind of like an uncomfortable feeling (just in the beginning of a relationship) seeing other girls approach you and not knowing if I have to compete with them or not. Like not knowing if I can keep your interest or maybe you get bored fast. Maybe you like risks and I'm too safe for you. Maybe... she sees you like I saw you before we were together, I liked you, I did something about it, now we're together maybe she likes you and she thinks she can do something about that. I don't assume anything is going on but that still kind of plays in the back of my mind. It's the things that you don't know that trouble you so frequently...

Women Problems

Just a heads up to any guy who may come across this I don't want  to hear your "females do the same thing" spill. Females are not any issue to me because I'm not interested in them. So guys seem as if they love to talk down to women. It's been done to me by ALL kinds of guys plenty of times, I'm talking family, teachers, friends, boyfriends, bosses... seriously.  It pisses me off, because I really feel like there's nothing I can do. They talk down, don't see anything wrong EVEN WHEN YOU POINT IT OUT and then it just makes you feel even madder when you try to explain your reasons for being offended. It's like arguing with an idiot, you get mad because you look like the person in the wrong, when it's supposed to be vice versa.
   Things are never easy for women. I once got into an argument and the guy told me that women's rights has come very far and that women can do almost anything a man can do. I guess he thought that was his justification. In my head I was just repeating "Let it go, he doesn't understand, he's just a man." I was trying to calm myself down (after a couple of arguments with someone you get a feel for how any other arguments will go) I wanted to just like delete the situation. How can you share your mind with someone if they're not willing to listen?
   If your boobs aren't bursting out of your bra or your cheeks aren't hanging out your shorts then guys don't see you and we already know they're not listening to you. It... annoys the hell out of me when a guy always pays attention to girls like that, but then they say they aren't looking for that type of girl to marry. Seriously? Make up your minds! I think it'd be better if you acted like the man a typical woman like the one you mentally fabricated would go for instead of thinking you're just this fuck up that women want to "fix." Not all women want to "fix" a man, some want, basically what any practical person wants in a relationship, someone worth building with. Try to find people with the same mindset at you at least for the time being if you want to have fun, find someone like that, if you want to be serious look for people like that and if your mindset changes and theirs doesn't then it's just fight or flight. Please keep that in mind...

Back to Strangers.

Contemplating how to tell my exes that I don’t feel for them like I used to. Usually a guy dumps me and I never really stop feeling some kinda way for him but now I just don’t feel anything. It’s like 2 or 3 exes who always think they have this power over me because we have history. Umm no. I do not feel that way anymore. You do not get boyfriend privileges obviously because you are not a boyfriend. You will not be a boyfriend again because 1. I don’t backtrack, once an ex always an ex. 2. The feelings are gone. I may laugh at your jokes or hang out with you because I’m bored or help you just because you need help. There is no emotions attached to it, I don’t laugh because you made me blush I do that so you can stfu, I don’t hang out with you because I want to see you and I don’t help you out because I care, I help you because you ask and sometimes it’s the right thing to do. Please don’t get it twisted. I get real mad when you assume things about me and they are not true. It makes me realize how much you don’t even know me at all… 

Song of the Day: 2

Beautiful (remix) - Black Star & Mary J. Blige

They say that beauty's in the eye of the beholder

so I use my third and now our love is solid like a boulder

wanna build with you as I get older

and that's my word! Sure as I stand on my ancestors' shoulders.

You see through my drama and my world like a stage

Not the same years but living in the same age
It's the quality not the quantity
Follow me? Definitely! Far from probably... Got to be!
You and me beautifully fit like pieces of a man I used to be
Now I'm back! 'cause of what you do to me.
You like my reflection; better half to my whole
Like lyrics to the beat you the mate for my soul
The breath for my life, my sister and my lover
Used to have cold feet now you the warmth under my covers
I can't ignore your aura 'cause it grabbed me by the hand
Like the moon pulled the tide and the tide pulled the sand

   It just amazes me how lovely this verse is to a relationship. If Kweli told me this there would be no doubt in my mind of whether he loves me or not. In my mind, I consider this like hip hop vows. Every time I hear this verse (it's part of one of my favorite songs so I hear it a lot) it just makes me smile because it's like this verse is for THE ONE, that is meant for one over all others. That one that you would give your all to and expect nothing in return.
   I may be getting a little too in depth but it's a verse I really love. "The breath for my life, my sister and my lover" It just goes beyond the new general standard idea of a relationship (even though this isn't a new song). The relationship is more than just intimate it's like he's completed. Like wherever he's lacking she's picking up the slack and she's more than a girl she's his friend, his sister, his life. It's more that just love... it's like his entire being is satisfied to share whatever he has with her, she's welcomed in every aspect of his life.
   I truly love every verse in this song every line all the ad libs but Kweli's first verse stood out to me the most. Maybe because I felt like the words applied/applies to me in more than one way. Not sure but this just makes me smile anyway. Mos Def, Talib Kweli and Mary J. Blige did a wonderful job with "Beautiful." That verse though... that's like Verbal Art. I would hang in the the gallery of my collective thoughts and admire like a memory.

"Sometimes you meet somebody who's just completely..." - Beautiful, Mos Def

Nobody Can Hurt You Like Your Friends...

You want to know my feelings? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how I look from the outside looking in but on the inside I'm troubled with things just like everybody else. Why do I feel like no one understands me? Out of all the basic problems in my life and out of all the people in this world... no one understands me? Only like one person gets it. That should be enough but I've gotten into the mind state that no one does so I don't want to harass him with my sad tales and pessimistic thoughts. That's just one battle in my mind, Tell the only person who gets me what's troubling me when it's troubling me or keep it to myself because he's only human and his life doesn't revolve around me and my problems? I would end up keeping it to myself :( Another thing, my friends put my down intentionally and unintentionally. I confront them on the unintentional ones but on the intentional ones what do I say? They know what they're doing then... it's just fucking disgusting because I never go that far for them. They get mad at me for being mad or upset then I just become sad because my "friends" become just people when they turn on me when they don't get what they want. So I guess if they get mad it means that they care right? But still you don't fight fire with fire. I'm not wrong for showing emotions and neither are they but I still think they're wrong for dealing with the situation by adding more negativity to an already negative bottle. This is why I hate everyone, they don't even try to make things better then just make them worse and they generalize every situation like every person is the same. Everyone knows that is not true and your friends should know specifically but I guess not. :( My feelings are really hurt today and this time it's not just the situation hitting something deeper, this time it's actually my fucking expectations that I have for the people I call my friends. Fuck you very much.

When Someone you love is with someone else... Part 2

I understand that you are with someone else. Yeah I want you to be happy but FUCK THAT! They aren’t me! How the fuck you gonna ruin what we had by bringing somebody else into the picture. I feel like you cheated on me and we weren’t even together! I’m really happy for you though but man all that aside I’m pissed! I’m sitting back thinking how could you it’s like I put in all the work and I got nothing for it. I mean… who was there with you through whatever? We laughed together, we cried together, I’m pretty sure you shared with me more than you shared with any other individual as a whole and now what? This is it? Am I just supposed to sit here and be happy because you’re with someone? You’re happy that doesn’t make me happy instantaneously… I still feel salty about that. I felt comfortable with you, you’re my “Ace in the hole” whenever I felt like everybody was the same… you prove they were different. Then you’re just gone like that. Did I just lose my bestfriend? Now what do I do, I can’t be happy over something like that. You do your thing. You must not understand how much I love you if you can’t see the reason behind my madness. You know how that felt, you know how I feel everyday… knowing that you are happy with someone and I’m alone without even you to talk to like I used to. I’m jealous. I’m torn apart. I feel betrayed. I’ll live though. And yeah… I want you to be happy but I’m not happy. Just let it be, you disappoint me but I guess it be like that sometimes. Enjoy.

When some you love is with someone else...

Yeah that hurts the soul… DEEPLY. But you’ll live you know. That’s the bright side kinda. Truth is you probably REALLY love them, so when they end up with someone else, you will wish them the best and keep your feelings to yourself because you want them to be happy. Probably many of times you traced out the details of your life if you were together with them. How everything just clicked, how the arguments meant something, how comfortable you are talking to them about shit from A to Z and back again. Everything just went well then they fucked it up by getting with someone else. Then you’re whole world is shut down. Everything is split in two. You and them versus Them and Their significant other. You feel like you have to compete but the truth is you’re not going anywhere because they won’t let you go. You also want to stay away because you don’t want to fuck up what they have if it makes the one you love happy, you know? Yeah, something like that. So what can you do when the person you love is with someone else? I couldn’t tell you… I’d just sit around wishing shit could happen like it does in the movies but expecting none of that. At least one of us will be happy, I could live with that. Sacrificing your happiness to keep the one you love happy? It be like that sometimes…

I'm Really Happy For You

People always say you act different when you get into a relationship but can you really expect for nothing to change? The thing is that when you're in a relationship you have other obligations and you center around a certain person to aside from the rest. You can't possibly be exactly the same. I hate it when my close friends get into a relationship because then I'm just left alone without my usual companion or I'm the third wheel in their relationship. Being left alone is the worst because then you have no where to turn to. Your friend who used to spend the most time with you is now barely seen with you any longer. Makes you feel like you're old news, like you just get dropped like yesterday's newspaper and that's a problem you would have to deal with yourself because you friend has other priorities. Another problem is feeling like you're the third wheel. You're friends still want you around, to kind of show you that they haven't changed but that doesn't work. You just feel like leaving because you're out of place, like you're not wanted. Another downside of your friend being in a relationship was that you can feel used. You always have time for your friend and they always had time for you, now they only talk to you when they have a problem. That's not fair to me and ultimately ends up tearing me apart on the inside. I'll admit, I'm not jealous. I'm glad you have someone. Seriously, I'll miss the times when we were the main focus of our lives but now I guess we have to push that aside for someone else... I'm really happy for you.