I Am An Animated Marionette

I think I should try living life carefree… like everyday is my last. I need to love more people and let them go also. I need to take more risks before over thinking it. I need to live like I’m invincible in order to feel… I’ve been so depressed through the years that I transitioned to a position of contentment and I’m not even sure what to think of it… still not happy though. I want to smile genuinely more than I frown. I want to get over things with the snap of my fingers and keep it moving…never missing a beat. When is my life gonna start? I just wanna feel… something instead of walking around like a soulless drone going through the motions of real human being. This summer I need life.

Dear Diary: 3811

I had a bad day yesterday... I'm still not feeling too good. My phone is off.... I think... Don't know don't care I lost it in my bed anyways. I was supposed to make a "cheat sheet" to study from... but I fell asleep because I'm tired of feeling inadequate with everything I do. When I woke up... 2 missed calls and 3 messages from skype... boys probably calling me for no reason. I'll pass. I'm starting to feel very cynical... I feel like I have to have my alter ego completely separate from me to get through a day without being depressed. I used to be depressed all the time and that's like a prison of the mind, I do NOT want to go back there again. I'm trying my hardest to stay above water but it's like treading water in concrete sneaks. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm just complaining and bullshitting... straight bitchin and whinin all the time... just they don't walk in my shoes... shit is hard and I'm not even complaining about that. I worried about feeling down again. I try to stay positive but it seems like that's not really in style for me... I've changed, I've grown, can you not see it? Less foolish rants, less male bashing... only thing I've done more of is wish for a companion... but I don't even care about that void anymore... it's a lost cause but I just want to be happy. That's the point of it all.